I found an interesting article on how to sabotage your ex's new marriage. I wonder how many of our BM's have read it! http://www.divorcesaloon.com/2011/01/06/how-to-completely-ruin-your-ex-spouses-second-marriage/ So what can you do to prevent her from destroying your marriage? The first tactic listed is using the children as a weapon. It's a dirty tactic, but used frequently. If the ex poisons the children's minds against you, stay strong, do not allow yourself to take the hostility personally. Do not address any negative comments passed on from BM to you from the child. Discourage negative behavior through consequences and encourage good behavior through rewards, and be consistent. Minor offenses the consequence can be as simple as ignoring the child and going about your business, you can even tell them "I'm not going to play with you until you decide to be nice." When they are nice, make sure you acknowledge them for it, and tell them thank you or how happy it makes you! If you feel your partner is being manipulated by the ex, you're probably right! That doesn't always mean it needs to be a fight though, he can't control her anymore than you can, and there are some things he is going to do for "her" (it's really for the kids), and some things he should put his foot down on. You and your partner should discuss boundaries, things that are okay, and things that are deal breakers. Don't be afraid to compromise on this, remember he's getting it from all sides! Some things that seem like a big deal to you now really won't matter at all in 5 years, so it doesn't hurt to ignore some of the little bullshit to ensure that you'll still be around in 5 years! Your partner will appreciate your efforts and support. The next item on the list is the never ending court drama! This can be very stressful. If you're going through a divorce/custody dispute for the first time GET A LAWYER. If you already have a court order for child support and custody/visitation and BM is still filing something dumb every few months, it's time to let the attorney go and handle it yourself. Annoying as it is, just show up and deal with whatever she's trying to throw at you. You can find so much information online and the clerks at the court house can be very helpful. Document everything you can and keep it well organized. I recommend a calendar or day planner along with a binder you can keep everything in, every missed visit, late pick up, threat, school issue, etc. write it down, print it out, tuck it away for safe keeping. Eventually the judge will get fed up. The last scenario is the deal breaker. If he cheats with her, you run and never look back. They deserve each other, may they live miserably ever after! I think most of us are safe from that one, our partners left for a reason, they see the miserable succubus for what she is, and would rather set themselves on fire than ever touch her again!
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I am truly sorry it has come to this, but my apology isn’t for you, it is for the girls. I sometimes wonder if I wasn’t in the picture if you would be more civil. Maybe you act out in pure hatred for not him but me. Either way this is the life you chose, not him not the girls, but you and your now fiancé. You cheat, lie, sneak, and then finally leave claiming abuse, when you are in fact the one who abused him. Repeated cheating and your on-going affair while in marriage counseling was destructive behavior and real emotional abuse to your spouse. You showed a complete disregard for his feelings and needs, but he’s the bad guy? Then there was the emotionally aggressive behavior of blaming him for your cheating, criticizing and accusing him of the very things you were doing. Saying things like, “If you were a good husband you would…” or “You don’t care about me! If you did you would…”. Always playing the victim card, making him feel guilty and feel like a “bad” person. Take a hard look in the mirror [BM], because you are the abuser. And now that you no longer have him to make you feel better I am starting to wonder if you are playing your tricks on your own children? They are grounded at your house from everything from playing outside, watching TV, and even playing with each other. They are good kids so what did they do to deserve this punishment? Or did they not do anything and you are making them feel guilty and “bad” because they are interrupting your time with your new fiancé? I have never seen a sign of self-reflection for wrong doing on your part, instead it is evident that finding blame is more important than finding ways to put things right. So off to court we go because you don’t know how to play nice and raise children together. Everything you have done to hurt him is hurting the girls. It is not that we don’t think you love them, you just hate us so much you don’t see the repercussions your actions have on them. I hope the referee opens your eyes. |
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July 2017
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