I love how you call us "sociopath narcissists”. Maybe you and your boyfriend should go back school to be psychoanalysts since you know so much. And I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that your name calling is contradicting, but let me explain it to you. A narcissist needs to be validated by others, and a sociopath doesn't. A sociopath will exploit others because they find it amusing, while a narcissist only exploits those they believes is a threat. Sociopaths are masters at deception. For instance, they may have lied about their job, finances or family. They probably did not have close ties with too many people, as a sociopath is incapable of feeling shame, guilt or remorse.Sound familiar? When I people ask me what your maiden name is and they respond with huh, don’t know her especially in this small town, I think that’s a red flag. But please let me go on. A sociopath has little concern for another person's feelings, desires or needs. Their main purpose is to get what they wants, regardless of how it may harm other people. Like you cheating on your husband and leaving your children behind. A sociopath will win over the love and affection of their target and know how to play the victim so that nothing was ever their fault. They have a way of twisting it around so that you believed that it was somehow your fault. A sociopath continuously invents outrageous lies about their past experiences and other people. Like how DH beat your ass and was so abusive. Your fabricated storytelling labels you as a sociopath. Now on to narcissist, who are thoroughly satisfied with his own mental attributes as well as his physical appearance. Narcissists are very vain and selfish. He needs approval and praise from everyone around him and will be set off by the slightest criticism he receives. Much like a sociopath, he'll have no remorse over hurting people. Because he has no conscience, he may be quite successful in a business where cut-throat behavior is essential in order to get ahead.Now that sounds like you home-wrecking boyfriend doesn’t it? A narcissist will find ways to punish those who reject him. He constantly seeks validation and recognition from others and will often put others down to inflate his own ego. He's addicted to the spotlight and has an insatiable need to be recognized for every single achievement. Because the narcissist needs constant reassurance, he's more likely to become very desperate during a divorce. He won't honor boundaries; he's willing to break laws and hurt others, regardless of the consequences. The only persons that have broken laws and have acted desperate are you and your boy-toy sneaking around lying to anyone who will listen. I believe you have found your prefect match and I hope you two rot in hell together.
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Mother of the Year Award does not go to Mothers who use their little girls as messengers to update Fathers on dental appointments of their little sisters, or who teach their little girls to lie and sneak around and steal clothes, putting them in their back packs. Then you freak out because the clothes are not there, however you do not realize the clothes aren't there for 35 hours after your parenting time had begun. You send a nasty text saying you will manipulate court on Friday, however you do not get a response considering you would not give an update on the well-being of our children while they were sick in your care and we had to go to the school to find out where they were. Mean women raise mean little girls, but not as long as they have this Super Step-Mom in their lives. They will not feel the need to sneak and lie and they won't be told to deal with adult things. They will be told that Mommy needs to talk to Daddy and to not worry their pretty little heads about a thing. I will not let you ruin their childhood, and as you try to teach them to resent their Daddy and me, I pray that they don’t grow up and learn to resent you. SD 9 had a missing assignment on her on-line report card so I emailed the teacher to find out what happened because we have consequences at our house for not doing homework. The teacher replied saying that they finished it in class on Wednesday and then were allowed to take the assignment home over the weekend to use to study. It should have been returned to school on Monday with the study guide so the teacher could put the grade in. The teacher checked with SD 9 to see if it was in her desk and she said it is at her mom’s house. The teacher said they made a plan and that SD 9 was going to return the assignment on Friday after she is back at Mom’s. All was set and she would receive full credit when it is turned in. I told the teacher it wasn’t like her to not turn in homework and thanked her for clearing it up because she would have gotten in trouble at our house if it was done. She replied “You’re right. SD 9 does not often forget to do or turn in work. She’s a responsible young lady and a joy to have in class.” That made me feel great – so DH forwarded this to her mom so she was aware that SD 9 needed to find the assignment to bring to school on Friday. Her response was outrageous – “The online report card says it was due on Thursday that was your night, why didn’t she do her homework, she is in trouble with me and should be in trouble with you”. DH responded with please reread the whole email from the teacher and left it alone. Then he picked the girls up at 5 p.m. to find out that Mom called grandma’s after school to yell at SD 9. She had a headache all night and a fever of 99.4. We gave her children’s Advil before bed. She ended up waking up in the middle of the night throwing up, and in the morning complained of a tummy ache and her temp had reached 101.3. I told her DH to tell Mom she would not be going to school because if the school sends her home they will automatically mark her absent for Friday as well (school policy for fevers) and she has hot coco day on Friday that I know she didn’t want to miss. Mom says she’s faking and that SD 9 is in trouble with her. Can child support ever be fair? In a perfect world, maybe. The world is far from perfect though, and every situation is so different. I don't think their is a one size fits all solution to the problem. What might be fair for one family, would be completely unfair to another. Thinking of best case scenarios, where no one is a money grubbing, lazy, alienating, abusive waste of space. So a couple of perfect parents divorce amicably, they decide to do a 50/50 custody arrangement. The child is still under two years of age, and both parents agree they do not want the child placed in daycare. One parent should stay at home with the child, that parent will most likely need child support to be able to do so. The other parent is still getting the child half of the time and paying for food, diapers, clothes, toys etc. Is child support fair? Let's say the working parent has a significant income, and can afford the child support payments without burden. That seems like a win/win, the parents get what they want, and the child is well cared for in both homes. But what if the working parent can't afford to pay the support and maintain their own household? Had the couple not divorced it would have been an option, but it's just not enough income to support two households for the next couple of years. Now it's a bit of a lose/lose and neither parent is to blame. Either one household suffers, but the child doesn't have to go to daycare, or both parents work and the child is placed in daycare and the parents both have less time to share. I say parents instead of mom or dad on purpose because I believe women are just as capable as being the main bread winner as a man and men are just as capable of being stay at home parents as a woman. I think our courts need to start seeing things that way before anything can change. Unfortunately most situations are less than ideal and for whatever reason very biased against father's. Even though their may not be any absolute right answer for fair child support I think if we start looking at men and women equally some of the issues will sort themselves out! With the New Year approaching I am extending my apology to you and [BM’s fiancé] for any ill words and feelings. I still have hope that all of us (you, BM’s fiance, DH and me) can respect each other and communicate together as the care givers of SD 9 and SD 5.
While I respect that you, as their biological mother, might rather your girls not bond with me, I don’t know your reasons for sure; Perhaps you are upset at how it all went down between you and DH. Perhaps you don’t know enough about me as a person and are wary of what kind of influence I’ll be on the girls. Perhaps you are worried about them sharing their affections between me. Perhaps you just don’t like me for other reasons, I do know that I was not involved with him in any romantic way whatsoever while the two of you were together and I am not the reason that one family became two. While I do understand that most people are certainly not at their best during a break-up, and I understand that perhaps when their father and you were breaking up some bad things happened on both of your parts. However, I was not the cause of your break-up and I should not be blamed, hated or villainized by you and especially that should not be what the children are taught to feel about me. Not formy sake, but for theirs. They do not need to carry such a burden in their heart, and I promise to not teach them to feel the same about you or [BM’s fiancé]. If the issue is that you are concerned because you do not know me and by extension what type of influence I will be on your children than I urge you to contact me so we can talk. By talking with me you can learn that I’m not a horrible person. I have my flaws, but I will always do my best to care for the girls to the best of my abilities when they are with their Dad and me. If you are concerned about sharing their affections with me, please don’t be. You are their biological mother, and you always will be. There is no one on this earth that can replace you, including me. But here’s the thing, I don’t want to replace you. I want to be given the opportunity to develop my own bond with these amazing childrenyou and DH have created. I see how wonderful they are and I simply wish to share positive memories with them as well. You and I as the children’s biological mother and step-mother don’t have to be BFF’s for them to benefit. All that has to be done where they are concerned is that each grown-up in their lives has to hold their tongue about any of the other ones when there is even a remote chance one of the children will hear. In front of the children we all need to respect and support each other’s parenting of the children. That will show them they can be happy, and free to enjoy their childhood while it’s fleeting wisps last, and that the adults are just that: Adults that will deal with things in a grown-up manner by communicating with each other, not through the children. That will stand as a united front against poor choices made by the children to help them strive to become the most amazing little girls they can be. Every time you speak ill of me or DH when they are with you, they hear it and it stays in their hearts and minds. They internalize it, and struggle to feel that they are staying true to you their biological mother by being disrespectful, sullen, and angry when with us. I can deal with that, I’m an adult that understood what dating a father would entail. However, it’s not fair to make them feel like they must have a horrible time when with their father and I just to show that they are loyal to you. Your children did not sign up for all of the emotional struggles your angry/dismissive/condescending/nasty remarks create within them. Children are naturally loving, and they would develop their own unique bond with me that in no way whatsoever detracts from your place in their lives, hearts, or minds if they are given the freedom to do so. I have never once wanted to replace you, I know I couldn’t even if I tried! You and only you are their biological mother! But just as parents that adopt a child end up loving them as much as a child that shares their DNA, I too can love SD 9 and SD 5 that much. That means they have the opportunity to have another grown-up loving them, wanting to help them, being able to teach them things. That’s one of the very few things that are a positive in this situation. I won’t lie and say I wish you and their father were still together, to be blunt I love him very much. But at the same time, I know that in an ideal world children would be with their biological mother and father throughout their entire childhood, but this is not an ideal world. I know you never wanted me here. I simply was never part of the plan. Growing up and dreaming of your family never included me. The plan was for your family to include you, daddy and your children, not me, or [BM’s fiancé]. I never wanted you in my lifeeither. I did not plan to mother children that I didn’t give birth to. When I dreamed of becoming a mother, I thought it would be the day I gave birth and not the day I fell in love with the man of my dreams. But God has plans that far exceed our own. In your mind I’m sure you made me to be a terrible beast and your daughters would not want me to mother them at all! I bet you were hoping that I would be semi-unattractive and prayed yourdaughters wouldn’t look up to me. That their daddy would know that he was settling for second best, and you did not want to face the fact that another woman would mother your children in your absence. Then I arrived, maybe too soon for you, and you thought I was over-stepping. You were planning on really hating me no matter what. You wanted to resent me. And so far you have. But I am not the wicked, ugly old stepmother. I have sided with you on issues even if you are not aware, because I am for Team SD 9 and SD 5. The schedule is very confusing and the back and forth is not good. I hope you and DH come to an agreement as I know it is for the biological parents to decide, and the step-parents to support. I know what worked best when I was a child was the 3-3-4-4. I know it could work with your schedules and it’s much different than the current, just less back and forth. Either way, I hope you realize that the time DH spends away from them hurt him, and a simple 5 minute conversation with them does not hurt you or take your time away from them. They should be excited to talk to each of you, knowing that you both are there for them regardless of which home they are at that night. No matter what the reason that the two of you are no longer together and no matter who did what, it’s not the children’s fault that they now have a step-mother figure (and a step-father figure with [BM’s fiancé]) in addition to their biological Mom and Dad. Please don’t force them to feel like they aren’t allowed to enjoy their time with DH and I. Please allow them to have another person who will love them and try their best to guide them throughout the trials of childhood and adolescence. I don’t want to try to take your place; I just want to be allowed a place of my own. I’ve accepted SD 9 and SD 5 from the very start and have unconditionally loved both them and their daddy. I’ve included the girls in everything I do and make them feel loved and accepted. I put their relationship with their daddy above mine. This happily-ever-after might not look the way we planned... but we are happy. The girls will grow up with more love than you could have ever imagined. It wasn’t their choice to have divorced parents, and even though I wouldn’t wish that on any child, I am so thankful that they now have four parents who love and respect them, I just want the love and respect to extend to each other. I know what it looks like when a mother cannot accept her child's stepmother in their life. Gratitude pours from me that we hopefully will be able to do what is truly right for our daughters; being mature enough and respectful enough to co-parent. I promise to always respect your input. I promise to raise themto be grateful to have two strong and brave women in her life who have the courage to mother them together. I pray they are never in our situation but if they ever find themselves here, I promise to set an example for them of what co-parenting should look like. I am willing to do whatever makes you comfortable, and I hope that involves communicating to each other the events in the girls’ lives that should be carried from each of their loving homes. Text or Call me anytime for positive conversations only please (xxx) xxx-xxxx. God Bless You, [Me], the other mother figure of those two angels Today I don’t understand you… what am I kidding I never understand you. You text Dad at 8:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning accusing him of not having the kids bathe in 3 days, then belittle him for having the youngest take a bath instead of a shower. Really, is it that important? She just turned 5. Is this really how you spend your parenting time? You just got them last night. And is this what you call co-parenting?
Why not just ask when the last time they showered. Then you say things like “at least they are with me and not my parents during my time as they reported to me”. Yes, the youngest spent the day with Grandma who never gets to see them on Friday because she didn’t have school and Dad and Stepmom work full-time – you should try it. And what are you talking about anyway – the kids are often with your parents when you work. Double standard or do you just forget things on a daily basis? Plus you are having the girls report to you? Why don’t you ask the parent? Using them as messengers is a violation – but I forgot the court order doesn’t pertain to you. This is so draining and I am sad that this is how you spend your time with the girls – especially since they don’t have school tomorrow – who cares if they shower! Let them be kids! They are 8 and 5 yrs. old! I would kill to have them right now and be playing in the snow or having a Nerf war in our Pjs getting high on sugar because whatever we have to do can wait for our day off tomorrow. I’m praying our court date comes soon and something changes before I sue for emotional distress… oh wait you’d have to hold a full-time job for it to be even worth it. |
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July 2017
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